Real Life Dilbert Quotes

dilbertyv8

I received this through the mail, and perhaps it’s been floating around for quite some time. Apparently a magazine ran a ‘Dilbert Quotes’ contest, looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Ten of my favourite submissions:

  1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry, from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, WA)
  2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
  3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)
  4. This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)
  5. Quote from the boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what ‘I’ say.” (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)
  6. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Long Lines Division)
  7. We recently received a memo from senior management saying, “This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above.” (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
  8. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)
  9. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: “Lucent Technologies is determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supercede, the expectations of quality!”
  10. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them. (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing /3M Corp.)

Classic stuff!

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