While perhaps many would disagree with me, I’ve always held the viewp0int that non-malicious “insults”, especially those that are quick, witty and in response to its context is an artform in itself, and nothing really beats a frenzy volley of these statements, especially when sparred between close friends in an exercise to distill the holy grail of a put-down statement. And so with a mixture of glee and anxiety (that you may remember these better than I do the next time if we do meet), I present to you these nuggets of golden retorts I found:
1. I can’t believe that out of 10,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
2. I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.
3. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
4. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
5. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
6. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
7. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
8. Well, you probably said it without thinking, the way you do most things.
9. I’m not offended by what you say. I’m just glad that you’re stringing words into sentences now.
10. I could have been your dad but the dog beat me over the fence.
11. I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
12. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
13. What’s your problem, wake up on the wrong side of your mom this morning?
14. Save your breath, you’re going to need it to blow up your date.
15. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but I don’t suppose that’s a problem for you.